I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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