I'm eating all of the evidence.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
His nipple licking is glorious
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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