The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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