I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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