His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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