I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
