Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
