Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i now understand why vodka
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize