So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
