Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
