i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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