did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
