my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
