just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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