Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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