I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So much rum. So many feels.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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