I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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