Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
