Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
