If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize