Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
