Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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