I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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