WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
