saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
