Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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