; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
this hospital has no fireball
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize