I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
