Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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