I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
