party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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