Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
