he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
