Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize