I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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