somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
