I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
