I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
