he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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