Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
