Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
