Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
