i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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