the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You are the jesus of drinking
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
