Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
