tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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