You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
