My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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