Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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