So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
