I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
