She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
