Cold hands, warm shart.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
