I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize