Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Floor bacon is actually really good
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
