Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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