i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize