Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
