No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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