I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
