Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
