Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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