this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize