So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
