Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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