My sheets look like a crime scene.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
